From Grief To Glory

Don't lose yourself in sorrow, drive it away...Once they are gone, take courage. (Sirach 38:20,23)

Dear Anika,

Last year was rough for all of us because our beloved Mommy Vinia went to Heaven. As young as you are, I have seen you grieve. Many times you would come to me crying and you'd always say, "I miss Mommy Vinia." I too miss her a lot and you too witnessed how difficult it was for me. I am amazed because every time you see me cry, you would always embrace me and tell me, "That's ok Mama, Mommy Vinia misses you too!"

So now, I would like to write to you what I have shared to our community, Kahayag sa Diyos, a week before Mommy's first death anniversary. I hope for you to learn more about the grieving process and how God used my sorrow to teach me to go deeper in my relationship with Him especially if you open your heart to receive His grace.

During my wedding (2008); photo by Dino Lara

 My Grief Journey

When 2012 came I had high hopes for it. I thought it was going to be a breakout year for me after having fully adjusted to my life here, I felt I was ready for a new adventure. But as always God has other plans. Last June while going about my daily routine, I received a call from my brother asking me to pray for Mom. She had a cardiac arrest. Immediately I went down to my knees and begged God for a miracle. True enough, she was revived. But after two hours she went on a cardiac arrest again and did not survive.

After that phone call, I felt that the whole world swallowed me. My head spun and I felt the most excruciating pain. It was worse than labor pains many times over. I felt that my heart was being broken into pieces and shards of glasses were piercing my body.

I was very close to my Mom especially after I said yes to the Lord in 2000. She was very instrumental in my conversion. She constantly prayed for me. When I was sick she'd spent hours praying over me until I get better. When times were hard, she protected us always making sure that everything would be okay. She was the one that kept us all together.

But despite the burning loss in my heart, somebody had to stand strong for our family to make deisions.

It was by God's grace that I was able to stand strong for my Dad and brother, Alex, especially during the wake. Although there were times when I would have wanted to cave in and just swim in sorrow.

Grief is something that people don't usually talk about. When people ask me how I was, my standard reply was I'm ok but in truth I was not. My grief was so personal that I didn't want to discuss it with anybody. It was between me and my God. When a person is grieving, you feel all sorts of emotions from loneliness to pain to anger. But to me what was so striking was when I expressed my anger towards God. I turned away from God because how could a God who loves me not answer me during a time of my great need. How could God not be faithful to my mom who was faithful to Him, whose life was dedicated to Him. I was angry. I was hurt. Every day I would express my anger to Him. The turning point was our Community Assembly in August when very clearly God spoke to me His message for the body. I didn't want to speak because I was still angry and I felt unworthy to be His messenger. But because the leading was so strong I still shared it. That's when I realized that it didn't matter to Him how unworthy I was. It didn't matter to Him how I felt for Him. What mattered was He makes me worthy and He loves me no matter what I feel.

Mommy's last visit to CDO (February 2012)

After that Sunday I felt more at peace. I was still feeling all kinds of emotions because the grieving process is not linear, it is actually a ball -- sometimes it goes one way, other times it goes up or down. I knew and I was assured that my God is greater than my grief.

It was at this time that my relationship with God deepened. When it is too painful to pray, I would just stay in God's presence and let Him speak in the silence of my heart. God was my rock and refuge. God's presence was physically present in my life. Slowly, He turned my sorrow into a joyful dance.

One of my favorite authors, Elisabeth Elliot said upon the death of her husband, "We are not given any explanations, but to hearts that are open to receive it, a more precious revelation of the heart of our loving Lord."

I was grateful for God's revelation of love amidst my pain, sorrow, anger, regret and loneliness. It was by His grace that I was able to overcome my grief. God's love sustained me all throughout my grief journey.

I know that my Mommy is also in a better place, that she is enjoying God's eternal feast in Heaven. I am thankful for the life that God has given my Mom, for it was not an ordinary life because she lived it to the full. She cared for us with gladness. She served God and His people with openness. She loved even though it hurt. And I stand in front of you today because I know that this is what my Mom wants me to do, to live my life to the full.

Mommy Vinia, Anika and myself (2010)

As Cardinal Joseph Bernardin said in his speech at Georgetown University, "...As a person of faith, of resurrection faith, I see death as a friend, not a foe; and the experience of death is, I am convinced, a transition from life to life, from grace to glory."

My Mom has transitioned from grace to glory. I, too, transitioned from grief to glory.

With Much Love,

Mama