Winning Isn't Everything

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Timothy 4:7)

Dear Anika,

It was one of those nights again when all you wanted to do was talk. It was already way past your bedtime so I suggested that whoever closes her eyes first will receive a prize.

Then all of a sudden you started crying. When I asked you why, this is what you said, "I always want to win Mama. I don't want to lose." You were crying and saying those words over and over again. I just held you close and let you express your feelings. I only spoke after you have calmed down because I wanted you to listen to me very carefully.

This is what I said...

"Listen to me Nika. I want you to remember every word I will say to you. In life, you will encounter battles after battles. Sometimes you will win and sometimes you will lose. When you win, that's well and good. But when you lose, you can cry a little but what matters is how you rise up after the loss. Will you fall into despair? Or will you have the courage to strive harder the next time and be better than the last? Remember the story of the bear who loved to run and compete in races. He never won a single race and yet he never gave up, he would always look forward to the next run hoping that someday he will win. Until one day, he saw someone ski past him. He was intrigued. So he set his mind on ski racing; he practiced and trained really hard. On the day of the race it seemed that it was his time to win because the bear was ahead of the pack. But in the middle of a downhill, he heard a cub crying. He stopped and looked for the cub and helped him out of the pile of snow. All his competitors surged ahead of him. By the time he was able to bring the cub out of harm's way he was already at the tail end of the competition. Despite the looming loss he still made an effort to finish the race. When he reached the finish line he was stunned because everybody were cheering him on. He may have lost the race but to all those who witnessed his heroic gesture he was considered the winner because he put the needs of the cub first before his desire to win. The lesson of this story is winning isn't everything. What matters is you finish the race with your head held up high. Sure you may not be able to bring home the crown or the trophy, but because you have helped a person in need, you have earned a much important prize."

I Love You To The Moon and Back,
Mama

From Grief To Glory

Don't lose yourself in sorrow, drive it away...Once they are gone, take courage. (Sirach 38:20,23)

Dear Anika,

Last year was rough for all of us because our beloved Mommy Vinia went to Heaven. As young as you are, I have seen you grieve. Many times you would come to me crying and you'd always say, "I miss Mommy Vinia." I too miss her a lot and you too witnessed how difficult it was for me. I am amazed because every time you see me cry, you would always embrace me and tell me, "That's ok Mama, Mommy Vinia misses you too!"

So now, I would like to write to you what I have shared to our community, Kahayag sa Diyos, a week before Mommy's first death anniversary. I hope for you to learn more about the grieving process and how God used my sorrow to teach me to go deeper in my relationship with Him especially if you open your heart to receive His grace.

During my wedding (2008); photo by Dino Lara

 My Grief Journey

When 2012 came I had high hopes for it. I thought it was going to be a breakout year for me after having fully adjusted to my life here, I felt I was ready for a new adventure. But as always God has other plans. Last June while going about my daily routine, I received a call from my brother asking me to pray for Mom. She had a cardiac arrest. Immediately I went down to my knees and begged God for a miracle. True enough, she was revived. But after two hours she went on a cardiac arrest again and did not survive.

After that phone call, I felt that the whole world swallowed me. My head spun and I felt the most excruciating pain. It was worse than labor pains many times over. I felt that my heart was being broken into pieces and shards of glasses were piercing my body.

I was very close to my Mom especially after I said yes to the Lord in 2000. She was very instrumental in my conversion. She constantly prayed for me. When I was sick she'd spent hours praying over me until I get better. When times were hard, she protected us always making sure that everything would be okay. She was the one that kept us all together.

But despite the burning loss in my heart, somebody had to stand strong for our family to make deisions.

It was by God's grace that I was able to stand strong for my Dad and brother, Alex, especially during the wake. Although there were times when I would have wanted to cave in and just swim in sorrow.

Grief is something that people don't usually talk about. When people ask me how I was, my standard reply was I'm ok but in truth I was not. My grief was so personal that I didn't want to discuss it with anybody. It was between me and my God. When a person is grieving, you feel all sorts of emotions from loneliness to pain to anger. But to me what was so striking was when I expressed my anger towards God. I turned away from God because how could a God who loves me not answer me during a time of my great need. How could God not be faithful to my mom who was faithful to Him, whose life was dedicated to Him. I was angry. I was hurt. Every day I would express my anger to Him. The turning point was our Community Assembly in August when very clearly God spoke to me His message for the body. I didn't want to speak because I was still angry and I felt unworthy to be His messenger. But because the leading was so strong I still shared it. That's when I realized that it didn't matter to Him how unworthy I was. It didn't matter to Him how I felt for Him. What mattered was He makes me worthy and He loves me no matter what I feel.

Mommy's last visit to CDO (February 2012)

After that Sunday I felt more at peace. I was still feeling all kinds of emotions because the grieving process is not linear, it is actually a ball -- sometimes it goes one way, other times it goes up or down. I knew and I was assured that my God is greater than my grief.

It was at this time that my relationship with God deepened. When it is too painful to pray, I would just stay in God's presence and let Him speak in the silence of my heart. God was my rock and refuge. God's presence was physically present in my life. Slowly, He turned my sorrow into a joyful dance.

One of my favorite authors, Elisabeth Elliot said upon the death of her husband, "We are not given any explanations, but to hearts that are open to receive it, a more precious revelation of the heart of our loving Lord."

I was grateful for God's revelation of love amidst my pain, sorrow, anger, regret and loneliness. It was by His grace that I was able to overcome my grief. God's love sustained me all throughout my grief journey.

I know that my Mommy is also in a better place, that she is enjoying God's eternal feast in Heaven. I am thankful for the life that God has given my Mom, for it was not an ordinary life because she lived it to the full. She cared for us with gladness. She served God and His people with openness. She loved even though it hurt. And I stand in front of you today because I know that this is what my Mom wants me to do, to live my life to the full.

Mommy Vinia, Anika and myself (2010)

As Cardinal Joseph Bernardin said in his speech at Georgetown University, "...As a person of faith, of resurrection faith, I see death as a friend, not a foe; and the experience of death is, I am convinced, a transition from life to life, from grace to glory."

My Mom has transitioned from grace to glory. I, too, transitioned from grief to glory.

With Much Love,

Mama

This Is How Much I Love You...

Dear Anika,

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

As high as the heaven above, I love you! From the moment you were conceived I have always known that whatever is the circumstance I would put your needs first before mine.

As deep as the ocean, I love you! I would live for you even when the world around me crumbles.

As sure as the sun rises and the sun sets, I love you! For two and half years, I breastfed you. I was at your beck and call all day and all night. I would do it all over again because I would always want to give you the best of me.

As clear as the sunlight, I love you! I would stay awake all night to watch over you when you are sick even if I have work to do the next day.

As sweet as the honey, I love you! I would always give you my one thousand hugs and kisses everyday even when you've grown into an adult.

As high as the birds can fly, I love you! I would give you wings to pursue your dreams and passions.

As God loves me, I love you! I would give my life for you.

Happy birthday Anika! You are God's gift to us. Be assured that your Mama and Papa would always love you no matter what. I love you my baby forever and for always!

In Prayer,

Mama

Giving You Space To Grow

Dear Anika,


"May the Lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other." (Genesis 31:49b)

Last month, I took a huge step in letting you play outside on your own. It was scary to let you go outside without my guidance. So many what ifs...what if there is a car outside and you're not alert enough. What if your playmates bully you? How will you defend yourself?

But I did it! I did it because I love you. I wanted to know how you would react when there's no Mama to keep you safe and defend you.

I must say you passed with flying colors. When the little girl took over your train and wouldn't get off it, you did not throw a tantrum. Instead you talked her out of your train. When still she wouldn't move, you went to her nanny to talk to her. When a small truck passed, you stopped and even hid yourself. When you were thirsty, you went home to get your water bottle.

You are indeed growing more independent. The time of letting you go is fast approaching. Honestly like most if not all parents, I dread the coming of that day. That's why I treasure every moment I have with you right now -- when I can still kiss your armpit and you still let me cuddle with you.

The best thing I learned from this moment is it gave me a glimpse of what you can be. I am confident that you can stand on your own when the going gets tough. I can trust that you are responsible enough to do the right thing.

And my hope when I face my God on judgment day, His words to me would be, "You did a good job raising your daughter."

I love you for always,

Mama

Your Bout With Dengue

Dear Anika,

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

You are such a strong and brave girl and I'd like to honor you for that.

The ordeal that you went through wasn't easy. I understand how hard it was for you to be confined in the hospital bed for five days but you were really a super trooper because in your difficulty you have shown resilience and optimism. True you did have moments of tantrums but generally you kept a joyful spirit. Which showed me a glimpse of what you will be in the future.

Your courage was truly amazing! You didn't cry when the needle for your dextrose was inserted. You kept still and all you said was, "That was hard, Mama." You hated the nebulizer but despite that you still allowed me to put it on you over and over again. That kind of character is what will carry you through when your heart is broken in the future.

Despite your weakening body and the inconvenience of staying in the hospital, you generally had a joyful spirit. You couldn't play with your hands so you played with your feet. You still exchanged banters with me and continued to join in adult conversations, still the same talkative you. But more importantly, you still had the audacity to laugh with your heart out. That kind of character is what will keep your feet grounded and your faith rooted when you fail.

You have such a strong faith. All throughout this ordeal you were the one who would always remind me to pray over you. You would always say, "Mama please pray over me." I am amazed that at three years old you already recognize the power of prayer. You inspired me to pray unceasingly and to keep the faith. That kind of character is what will make you endure when the world conspires against you.

I am thankful to God because you are what you are and I anticipate the future with excitement especially on how God will continue to mold you so you can be what He intended for you to be. Remain courageous, keep the joyful spirit and pray unceasingly. These character traits will be the foundation of the woman that we have yet to see.

With All My Love,

Mama